686 Days Home

August 7, 2020 marks the day that Tobiah has lived with us more days than he lived in S. Korea. To think of all the memories we have with Tobiah here with us reminds me that he has the same number of days of memories without us.

686 days home – that number is a lot of days and hours strung together to equal nearly 2 years. We have all been stretched in ways I didn’t know were possible and we have risen to the occasion and loved and grown.

Here are some photos of his time in S. Korea thanks to his foster mom sharing them with us.

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And now some pics from his time in the U.S. with us:

Some highlights of Tobiah is his:

*obsession with cool cars

*love of fireworks and Disney

*ability to repeat anything he hears (whether good or bad -ha!)

*ability to know exactly where a cool car is located within our home or who gave him said cool car

*friendliness with greeting anyone and everyone

*language development and articulation

*hatred of Coronavirus

*humor

*love of our family – or framily as he calls us

*divine placement in our family

 

Triggers, Dates, and Grief

This last week we reflected on our first meetings with Tobiah, our time in the  country of South Korea, and the ways God moved our hearts from fear to love. It has now officially been a year since we met face to face.

We had been warned that anniversary dates of things (separating from birth family, foster family, hospitalizations, etc.) could all be triggers of grief. That while his memory can’t exactly remember why/what – his body/brain does.

When Tobiah first came home his grief took a few forms. Avoidance was probably his go to coping mechanism. Avoiding eye contact and affection. He didn’t want anything to do with Korean food or people or the language. He would fight sleep and rest. He so desperately did not want to have to trust us. His body fought the grief too. He had rash after rash. Hives from head to toe day after day. Other rashes would come and go too. He would kinda just go into a zone lining up cars and going through the motions of making it through the day. It was near Christmas time (3 months home) before he really began starting to let his barriers to love come down and he called me Mom for the first time. Since then it has been a balancing act of him letting me in and pushing me away and then repeating.

This last month his grief has been intense. Some people want to attribute it to a growth spurt. Some to the terrible twos. Some to my giving his needs too much attention. Some to my giving his needs too little attention. But in our house we know it is grief. It is always unique but yet always distinct. In the last month he has been trying to control all the things – from what he wears to what color bowl he eats out of to which direction I drive to where people sit. I mean from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep he is trying to control things. We know from research this comes from a place of anxiety but how do you help this little one through this? Once again the answer has been time and patience and love. Just daily reassuring him that he is safe and loved and we have all of the things he thinks he needs to control under control. That while his body is spiraling and knowing that at any moment your safe place can be gone (as happened a year ago when he left his foster family) we attempt to override that and say your body doesn’t know the whole story yet. On Friday he woke up at 5:15am in a full blown panic (not a bad dream panic). He was clenching onto my body for dear life and not letting go in any capacity. This went on for hours of him needing to be on my lap or being held in a very close way. But as the hours passed, his little body chose to trust and to let go and to be safe in my arms.

He went to bed for nap peacefully for the first time in a month and woke up fully at peace. That afternoon his language exploded. He said his name for the first time and strung together full sentences. And his need to control dropped to a normal level for a toddler and he began having fun and all of us enjoying one another again.

Grief is tricky. It sneaks up when you aren’t expecting it and when you are. It doesn’t have a rule book.

Tobiah continually amazes me that he allows us fully into his heart. And we continually amaze me that we have the capacity to manage his heart and these other two tween/teens God entrusted us.

9 months home!

I keep having these intense feelings that I want to put into words, but I never really feel like I have the right words for my feelings. This morning after Tobiah woke up he came up to me and said “Baby” which means he wants me to hold him like I’m rocking a baby. Then he said “Cheese” which means he wants me to take a picture. So of course I had to please this cute little two year old’s request.

 

When we were in an adoption training before Tobiah came home they suggested caring for Tobiah like a newborn and going back to the basics with him. They specifically suggested rocking him like a baby and trying to intentionally make eye to eye contact with one another during that time. In those first few months home he wouldn’t look at me or he would roll his eyes back in his head during that time. Occasionally we would share a sweet eye to eye moment. These experts claimed it would help with attachment of Tobiah to me and me to Tobiah. I’d say that and sleeping with him overnight and naps for the first months both really moved our attachment toward one another along.

But see the thing is our attachment is so personal and often happens when no one else is watching. We are each doing such a hard work of learning to trust one another and love one another and accept one another. It happens often at night when it is just the two of us in a rocking chair. These faces that I captured this morning is the face I get every time I rock him now. It is so intensely sweet – that I get to be a part of this intimate relationship with him as mother and son that I feel so undeserving of this gift in my life. And yet it is so intensely sad that his birth mother and him don’t share these moments. The more our love grows for one another the more my heart breaks for her and ultimately Tobiah that he didn’t get that chance with her.

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Tobiah has been home 9 months. He is stringing together 2-4 words. He is becoming more clear in his articulation. He is 26 pounds and 35 inches tall. He is in 3T clothes. He loves seaweed and rice, mac and cheese, Mickey waffles, milk, and cheese. He says hi to EVERY single person he sees ANYWHERE. His favorite phrases are: cool car, garage Anson please, on bus/truck/train, fireworks please – wait, thank you, bye bye see you (a little nod to Kim’s Convenience), Batman car, blue cool car, and hold please. He is loving summer and time outside and time with the big kids and their friends. He is such a joy in our lives.

6 months home!

September 21, 2018 – March 21, 2019

6 months home!

What an incredible 6 months it has been. In the adoption waiting world 6 months feels like an eternity, but once the little guy is home 6 months feels like a moment. It is really hard to put into words the last six months but each of us are going to give it a try.

Seth:

Wow. Six months. Already? It’s gone by so fast and, upon reflection, hasn’t been the Sisyphean task that I thought it was going to be. It probably has been for him, though. Maybe the “hardest” is yet to come for us – but for him … maybe the “hardest” is every day. We’ll know one of these days … hopefully … if he chooses to talk to us about it. I periodically mourn the loss of some dreams that I didn’t know I had until I realize how delayed they’ve been. To be honest, bringing Tobiah into our life has made me realize how many more regrets I’ve had for either running away from hard things, or simply being lazy. I wish I would have done hard things sooner. The process of adoption has been a hard thing – but the reward has far outweighed the “hard.” The joy. The laughs. The tears. The hugs. The screams. The sadness. The rest. The “belonging.” The acceptance. All of the hard things are rendered worth it when he accepts me as his family. And yet, I’m struck by how fluid this whole thing is going to be. I can fool myself and think that we’re through the turbulence and are at cruising altitude and it’s clear skies ahead. But that’s not all that likely. The foundations that we’re creating now – that we’ve created so far – those foundations are what I will have to stand on when we encounter future bumps. But for now, it’s nice to have “toddler problems” again. When the toy car door doesn’t open quite correctly. Or when you spill your milk/water/rice/vegetable puree packet (what ARE those things called?). Those problems are much easier to navigate now that I have a little space between the first time we had toddlers and now. But yeah, it’s hard … AND it’s worth it.

Missy:

Little love, I had no idea how much you would change me. Having the chance to love you and for you to accept my love has been a delicate balance of love and time. In those first days home I was charged with caring for you yet I didn’t know you. You were scared and uncertain and to be honest I kinda was too. We were both in such a vulnerable state learning to love one another. But daily we each took steps to grow in our love for one another. Cars saved those beginning days and honestly they are still a light in each of our lives. You are simply obsessed with cars and have made us all kinda obsessed with cars. It is hard to articulate what I love the most about you, but I think it just may be YOU. You bring a life and energy and happiness wherever you go. You make even the grumpiest people smile. With your life and energy and joy, you are also quite stubborn and set in your ways – but aren’t we all to some extent 🙂 Tobiah GeuRoo Washeck happy six months in your forever home. We are so glad for each moment we have gotten to spend with you. We Seoul You!

Anson:

If your family is considering adoption it is okay to be a little scared. However, adopting is an amazing thing because it allows a child to have a family to care for him or her. I personally was sooooo scared about adoption. I was constantly thinking about how our family will never be the same and that he would dominate everything. Also how Makenna and I would never get as much attention. But the second I saw Tobiah in person in S. Korea I knew he was my brother. He was the cutest toddler I have EVER seen. Then he came home and sure those first few nights were hard, but I love Tobiah more than anything. And to see how far we have come in six months is really spectacular.

Makenna:

So excited, not thinking of anything bad,

my experience is one no one else has had.

Tobiah is adorable, loving, and has a smart mind,

which makes him truly one of a kind.

Adoption has changed every one of us,

now we barely ever have a fuss.

Every time we look at Tobiah’s face,

we think of God’s amazing Grace.

 

Tobiah’s first night in our home – September 21, 2018

 

 

Tobiah in his happy place (his room) at 6 months home

6 months home (28 months old)

Has 100 plus words

Favorite toys/things- cars, cow at chickfila, being outside, picking up big kids from school, daddy coming home, Daniel Tiger, Mickey Mouse (of course!), and Little ‘Roo

Favorite foods – rice, seaweed, mac n cheese, fries/hasbrowns from chickfila, apples, bananas, any muffin/cookie/waffle/pancakes, milk, and chocolate

Weighs 25 pounds

33 inches tall

Sleeps in crib

 

The Day We Met Tobiah

I realize Tobiah has been home nearly four months, but we were unable to share all the pictures from the magical meeting that we had when the four of us met Tobiah for the first time. I wanted to share the pictures with you.

It was August 13, 2018 in Seoul, South Korea. It was hot – so hot!! Apparently the most hot it has been in like 500 million years. We woke up early (because hello 15 hour time change) and within a few hours Seth and I were at odds with one another. The stress of it all was crashing down on us. We knew once we walked in this room in a few hours and met our son, this was a forever decision. This was no longer a cute kid we got some pictures of, this was a real live human child and our son at that. Every fear we have had for the three year journey came out of our mouths that morning. We were so emotional and raw and scared. We ended up coming down from the emotions and hugged and cried and prayed. But the fear and uncertainty was still so real as we got dressed up and traveled the Seoul Subway system as we made our way to meet Tobiah on this hot August day.

Scroll through this slide show of 100 plus pictures that capture the fear being released and the joy of accepting and loving and welcoming a little 22 month old into our lives. Truly that one hour in that room changed everything – for all five of us! But first take a look at these two photos… same elevator. same people. just one hour in between. What an hour!

 

 

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… fin*

Warning: Non-logistical/tactical post ahead. What follows is most appropriately categorized as the incoherent ramblings of someone (Seth) who is processing.

 

You know, from a certain perspective, life can be seen as a series of starts and stops with prolonged periods of time in between. The starts don’t need to coincide. In fact, neither do the stops. Obviously. the aggregate of these starts and stops makes up the sum total of our lives. I’ve always been emotionally moved by the stops. I feel profound sadness and loss when something stops – sometimes even when the start led to something hard, disappointing, or frustrating.

I am not sure why I’m so drawn to stops, only to be emotionally dismantled by their appearance. Seminary was a difficult 4 (5? 6? 7?) years and I still distinctly recall sitting in the new commons area at Denver Seminary, putting the finishing touches on my thesis, and being emotionally wrecked at the prospect of the upcoming “stop.” I relied on a metaphor in a Facebook post back then – and I’ll do the same here:

I still mourn the stop of Lost and, to be honest, Downton Abbey, and The Lord of the Rings (book version). The finales in soundtracks are always my favorite (Lost – “The End”, Man of Steel – “What Are You Going To Do When You’re Not Saving The World”, Shawshank Redemption – “End Titles”, The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies – “The Last Goodbye”, Jurassic Park … the list goes on). Also, the last song on every Anberlin album is the best song of the lot (and *fin is my favorite). I listen to some of these “stops” on repeat in my music collection. If you were to look at play count alone, you’d see that the top songs are dominated by “stops” or “lasts” or “finales” or “ends.”

Today is another stop for us. Today is our last day together as a family of four. For 11 years and 3 days, we’ve been a family of four. I honestly thought that is the way it would always be. Now, if I’m honest, I reflect on those 11 years and 3 days (13 years and 19 days since the birth of Uno) and I mourn the loss of that family of four. The whole of that time flashing through my mind’s eye like a movie. Like a song on constant repeat, I replay the feelings, images, and memories – and I cry. I cry tears of sadness – and tears of hope.

Stops give way to new starts. The 1990s’ wise philosophers Semisonic imbued us with the wisdom that “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” They were mourning a bar’s closing, though. The Lord of the Rings gives way to other engrossing tales, and there’s always another Star Wars trilogy just around the corner. Lost gives way to Downton Abbey gives way to Parenthood gives way to This is Us. Another new, engaging, enjoyable time with the people who know me the best – and love me in spite of it.

Seminary gives way to DBA gives way to adoption gives way to youth and fun and joy.

Stop gives way to new starts. And I have profound joy and hope in that.

To our dear family and friends

We are so close to this long-awaited for day of having our third child join our family. As we are in our final preparations, we have a few things we would like to share.

There are three years of adoption training and reading adoption books and talking to other adoptive families in the words that are about to be written. Please know all of these words are coming from a place of love for Tobiah and a desire to help others love him well.

First, we are Tobiah’s real family. Please be careful when referring to us in any other way. Tobiah actually has three families: his birth family, his foster family, and us – his forever family. Each are real and important and part of his story. One is not more “real” than another.

Second, Tobiah is not lucky. Tobiah is not able to be with his birth family. This is not his choice or his desire. If he were lucky, he would be with his birth family. We feel like the lucky ones that we get a chance to raise this precious boy and honor his birth parents in doing so.

Thirdly, Tobiah is our child. He is neither more nor less our child than Anson and Makenna. He is equally our child – entrusted to us by God to raise, provide for, care for, and love.

Lastly, Tobiah’s birth parents’ decision to put him up for adoption is their decision and his story. Please respect that and do not ask him, or us or our other kids, questions about this. We honor his story in protecting it.

As we transition Tobiah into our home we are aware of the separation that he will be going through. He will endure separation from his foster family to whom he is deeply attached. This rupture is considered a trauma by most child development experts. He will likely experience deep grief once he realizes they are not coming back. That grief can come in the form of tantrums, biting, yelling, sleeping, screaming, and so on. We have no idea how he will display his grief. During this tender time, we are practicing the recommended month(s) of “cocooning” to build attachment. This means no visitors at home so he learns that we are ones who meet all of his physical and emotional needs. You may see us out and about at times. While we welcome friendly interaction with Tobiah then, please leave any physical comforting or feeding to us. High fives, smiles, and silly faces are great! Thanks for your understanding.

On that note, please be praying for our transition as a family. While adoption is such a beautiful picture of redemption and love and we cannot wait to have Tobiah in our arms, it also represents loss for him.  In the blink of a eye, Tobiah will lose everything he has ever known having no idea what is ahead. We will not be who he wants. We will take him from a place of love and comfort and familiarity to a place of different sights and smells and foods and well honestly everything. Tobiah is about to begin his bravest adventure yet and we are asking for your prayers every moment you think of it for him.

A fellow adoptive momma wrote this, “We were the third place she had been sent. She was confused and lost and scared. She didn’t understand why, yet again, she was being introduced to more new strangers to call family.

My heart broke for her sweet soul those first few days. I can’t explain the terror she had in her eyes when the orphanage handed her over to us. But I imagine, it’s a terror I would never want to feel for myself.

I wanted so badly for her to know that she would never be sent anywhere else again. That we would be her forever place. Her mommy and daddy for life. To love her like she’s never been loved before. But nothing I said or did took away her terror. She cried. She screamed. She refused to eat. It was painful.

Do you want to know the only thing that worked? Some would guess “time”. And yes time, but not JUST time. Days and days of showing her she could trust us. That’s different than just “time”.”

In a few short days we will start the hard, but oh-so-worth-it work, of gaining Tobiah’s trust. This will look different than how we parented Anson and Makenna and probably how you parented your toddlers. Know we have done the research and are doing what is very best for him, even if it doesn’t make sense to you at times.

Prayers:

• For Tobiah’s grief
• For Tobiah’s sleep
• For all of our sleep
• For Tobiah’s attachment to us
• For our attachment to Tobiah
• For Tobiah’s foster family that is saying goodbye to a child they have loved for 19 months
• For our marriage
• For Anson and Makenna
• For the sibling attachment
• For patience
• For perseverance
• For us to know how to love him through his grief
• For times of laughter
• For times of deep connection
• For time/energy/capacity to meet each child’s need
• For adjusting from jet lag quickly

In addition to all of this above – which is a lot I realize, please be flexible with us. All the training and discussion and reading of books can only roughly prepare us for the unique journey that is ours. We will know more once he is home what we need. Please partner with us as we make this transition. Meals are always welcome. Gift cards for restaurants so we can pick up a meal to go. Driving the big kids places. Taking the big kids for some fun outside of our home. Picking up a load of towels. A hug. A text to say you are praying. A walk. Praying for us. People connect with Seth during this transition too (girls are so much better at this, but he is going to need a support system as well). And a million more things. If you think it, do it!

We are about to put the words – IT TAKES A VILLAGE – to the test! Community – let’s do this!

 

Preparing to Meet Tobiah

If you ask us what we are up to lately, the answer is all things Tobiah. We are decorating his room, purchasing gifts for important people in Korea, figuring out what we will wear for different meetings and court, gathering items for our meeting with Tobiah, and attempting to plan our days while in Korea.

On Monday morning August 13th at 10am in Korea we will be meeting Tobiah for the first time. Our hearts can barely wait to see him. In many ways this meeting is the best of the next three times we will see him. Meeting one and two will take place at our agency in Korea with Tobiah, his Foster Mom, his social worker, and our family. Each meeting is roughly one hour long.

Meeting one = first face to face and getting to know we will see him again in a few days

Meeting two (likely Thursday August 16th) = last meeting before we leave Korea and return roughly a month later to pick him up

Meeting three = (end of September/beginning of October) where we gain custody but also he leaves the only family he has ever known so it will be difficult to say the least

During our first two meetings we are bringing along a few things to entertain and engage. It is going to be so fun to see him play with the items we have picked out!

It Was Written In The Stars

On Saturday several friends of mine threw me an adoption shower. It was themed “It Was Written in the Stars.” It was such a touching day with close friends as we celebrated Tobiah.

The decorations were themed around stars and maps and globes. It was so beautiful and perfect for our celebration of our soon to be addition.

My favorite part of the shower was seeing the books chosen for Tobiah and the notes written inside. The notes talked of hopes and dreams for Tobiah, of remembering the journey to get to this place, and encouragements to him. There were some books related to adoption, some silly ones, and some family favorites. They were all perfect.

One in particular was especially perfect. It is titled “The Oak Inside the Acorn” by Max Lucado. Inside it said “We pray you will grow to be the “tree” God made you to be!” Cue the tears (that is happening a lot lately). Tobiah’s given birth name means strong tree and his birth dad gave him the name because he hoped he would grow up to be strong like a tree. I asked Amanda, who gave the gift, if I had shared that story and she said no. We all got chills. Wow! Thank you God for orchestrating that moment and connecting us with a heartfelt moment before he was born.

A sweet adoptive momma wrote a letter to everyone about our journey ahead and how they can support us. We also watched an adoption video of another family that has been home a year. We talked real life about our transition and everyone was gracious to try and understand how they can journey with us. It was such a beautiful day.

My precious 10 year old was beside me the entire day celebrating Tobiah too. Nearly 10 years ago I was in a similar room celebrating her and now she joins me in the celebration. Never could I have imagined or orchestrated this path we would be on 10 years later.

Here are some pictures of the day. Thanks to all who made this day possible. Enjoy the photos.

Tobiah’s Package #8

And do I dare say his last package!?!

This package will be delivered to Tobiah the first week of July and we expect to travel toward the end of July or beginning of August so crazy enough this may actually be the last package we mail to him in a gallon ziplock bag.

In this package we included another outfit, some bubbles, a flashlight that says colors and numbers in English and hopefully doesn’t annoy his foster mom too much, some Disney themed bath items for Foster Mom, and pictures of our fam.

We are beginning to prepare for traveling and transitioning and coming to the end of the waiting and to the beginning of the rest of our lives as a forever family.